Mentally Ill MeMe

What is your diagnosis? Bipolar, ultra-rapid cycles; Borderline Personality Disorder When were you diagnosed? Formally diagnosed Bipolar at age 14; the Borderline was mentioned at this time, but I think I ignored it. Formally diagnosed Borderline at age 25. How long do you believe you have suffered from mental illness? My entire life. I can distinctly remember the ups and downs, the suicidal thoughts and rage throughout my life.(my sister can attest to this!) What medications are you taking for your disorder? At this moment, none. Unless I decide to take Ativan or Klonopin from old prescriptions I have left over. In the past, I have taken: Zoloft, Depakote, Lithium, Lamictal, Zonegran, Risperdal, Prozac, Haldol, and a few others I can’t remember the names of right now. Tell us about an episode. Ah, shit. Pick a day, any day. Read any post listed. I cycle so fast, I have “episodes” daily. An example of a depressed state episode: Locked myself in my closet with all my pills (hundreds), a knife and a beer. My daughter found me, but the door was locked. She cried and begged me to come out. I did. But, I had already taken a few pills, so I went to sleep. My husband was there. He let me sleep, but was pissed off at me. An example of a manic episode: I went to work and didn’t come home for two days. I went to my old favorite bar and stayed until sunlight, found somewhere to crash…but never slept….did it all again when everyone else was done sleeping. When I am manic, I do shit like that a lot. Do you feel ashamed about suffering from a brain disorder? Not so much ashamed as pissed off. I mean, it isn’t like I did it on purpose. Shit! I didn’t even do it on accident! I tell my husband to tell his employers I am ill so that when he doesn’t show up on time and tells them it is because he couldn’t find his wife, they know he isn’t making shit up. I hate my illnesses. I hate what they do to me, I hate what I do to people because of them. But, I am not ashamed of having them…..I am ashamed of a lot of my actions, though. What advice do you have for other sufferers? Hold the fuck on! This ride sucks ass and you are gonna want to get the fuck off….many, many times. For some reason, you have to stay on it, though. One thing I can say, if I wasn’t ill I wouldn’t have sought out the blogs I have and I wouldn’t have some of the very important people in my life that I have now. There is a very real community of us. Sometimes, I love to be part of that “us.” Remember this: “To the world you might be just one person; But to one person, you just might be the world.” (author unknown) EVERYONE has that one person that thinks you are the world, even if you don’t know it. What advice do you have for those who don’t suffer from your condition? If you are married (or in a real relationship) with someone who suffers….Hold the fuck on! Try not to give up on them. There are going to be things that they do that piss you off, hurt you, and confuse you. If you aren’t willing to truly forgive and forget, you should just go. Hanging on to the grudges formed over actions due to this illness won’t help anything. You have to let go. Be there for them….Really BE there. Is there anything you want to say to Tom Cruise? Tom Cruise is an ass. I don’t know what else to say. The meds we take (or should take, at least) save lives. No fucking “God” has ever done that for me or anyone else I know that has tried or succeeded in their suicide attempts. So, Tom, go have your bastard baby (apparently “God” thinks it is ok to have babies out of wedlock, but not to take medication to treat diseases) while your poor fiance pleases you by not taking pain medication or making noise. Idiot.